The Elf on the Shelf

I have seen the many insane Elf on the Shelf tricks posted on Pinterest and blogs galore this time of year. I have also see the posts declaring the “overachieving moms” crazy for the lengths they go through to keep their children enchanted this time of the year.

I’ve also see the real news and decided there are bigger things I could be debating and choose to remain out of this one.

We do, however participate in the Elf on the Shelf tradition. Every year Kiki the Elf appears and moves about the house. We have never forgotten to move him, but hanging upside down is about as creative as we get. It’s ok though, our son (who is almost 7) loves this guy and truly believes he is a direct link to Santa. If nothing else, we get about a month of good behavior.

We had no idea what we were in for as we busted Kiki out this year, with an almost 2 year old on our hands.

While I’ve heard people say they feel the elf is creepy, I never got it. Until I had a little girl sobbing on the floor pointing at a curious elf peeking at her from the fireplace mantle. That should have been my first clue we were in trouble.

As he moved on top of the living room valence, she avoided that part of the room.

When he sat in the dining room window, she ate in the living room.

However, when she spotted him hanging upside down out of a can light in the living room ceiling it proved to be more than she could handle and her real fear was revealed.

 (please note: she doesn’t speak this clearly, but as I am fluent in what she speaks I’ll translate for you dear reader)

“Momma! Help him down!”

“L, he’s fine. He’s just an elf reporting back to Santa”
“He’s gonna fall”
“Nah, he’s holding on tight and he’s got some magic dust up there – he’s fine.”
“Momma pleeeeeease!”
“L, no. He is fine.”
“Momma…JESUS IS STUCK! STUCK! HELP JESUS DOWN!!!”

Aha! She’s not grasping this is an elf, she’s convinced that Jesus has appeared in her home and is putting himself in perilous situations. Apparently, all that money I’m shelling out to the expensive but WONDERFUL church-based daycare is worth it – she’s got the meaning of Christmas down! But, if this is going to continue much longer, I may need to think of a way for the elf to let her brother know he’s on the good list and cut out early.

The Cell Phone Mafia

I will never be the person with the latest and greatest cell phone. The first reason for this is that I am not a person with a large paycheck. I’d rather have groceries than a new phone. The second reason for this is the mere fact that I get confused by cell phones easily.

I have, however, determined one thing about cell phones that I’m moderately proud of and sure no one else has realized before.

Cell phone companies have low-jack on our phones. This low-jack is set to screw up the phone two or three weeks after the phone becomes eligible for a “free” upgrade.

With a two-year contract extension that is.

It never fails that once a year, I get notified I can have a new phone. I’ve told the man at the phone store – I’m not interested. I JUST figured out how to lock the screen on the phone I got LAST year so I no longer hang up on people during phone calls. I still cannot change my ringtone. And when I’m done with some apps I have to turn the phone off and on again. Clearly, I’m not done figuring this one out. No thanks on the upgrade.

But it’s not that easy! The powers that be at the phone company give me that two or three week grace period then BAM! They push the button that makes the screen stop responding as well, the calls to drop, and the voicemail icon to stay on 24/7 even when there is no message. Amazingly, the calls, texts, and emails telling me to sign up for 2 more years and get a free phone never seem to have a problem. I have not even figured out what I’m doing with this one and they want me to get a bigger, better, harder one to navigate?

Coincidence? I think not.

Realistically, I’m at about 2006 on the cell phone technology spectrum. I’m standing strong, sorry to say it cell phone man, but I predict that this thing will probably self-destruct Inspector Gadget style by the time Spring Break rolls around. Well played cell phone makers, well played.

Where are my eyebrows

This morning we suffered a terrible catastrophe at our house.

After a night spent running up and down the stairs to assist a baby with a cough (is there anything sadder or more maddening at 2 in the morning?) I struggled rolling out of bed and getting started. I just kept telling myself to keep my eyes on the prize, there would be coffee in the kitchen.

I was wrong.

I’m not sure how it happened or who to blame, but at this point finger-pointing just seems trivial. The point is, I had to start my day 100% unassisted by my precious black gold (I seriously rely on coffee this much).

I basically lost all ability to function and get us out of the door in good order as a result.

I am unintentionally engaged in a makeup free Monday at work today. So if you see me today, allow me to clear up a few things.

Yes, that is 1 ½ eyebrows on my face. I had a regrettable plucking addiction in my teens and 20’s, now they really don’t grow back (there’s a hint I wish I knew back then).

Yes, I do have pores that big.

Yes, they still get that many little pimples and blemishes.

No, I am not sick. Just pale without a little color added to my cheeks.

I arrived at the office to find we only had decaf coffee in the building. I’m not even sure why we have decaf coffee in the building, let alone why it’s the only option today. But after getting down on my hands and knees and digging through the kitchen cupboards, I found a few caffeinated packs. I also contacted purchasing about this.

Happy Monday everyone. Hope you’ve got all your eyebrows and your caffeine system is full!

We are Never Ever Ever Going Grocery Shopping!

This weekend, we had a trip to the grocery store for the record books with our 20 month old daughter. Since then, I've had a little tune in my head and feel the urge to share it with every overworked, overtired, parent just trying to get through the day with a very strong willed child in tow!

If you live under a rock and are not familiar with the orginal song, you can find the lyrics that inspired this here: http://bit.ly/SfNWDW

We are Never Ever Ever Going Grocery Shopping...together.

(adapted from Taylor Swift's "We are Never Ever Getting Back Together")

I remember when you freaked out - the first time.

Saying this is what I want, I want it now, gimme.
We hadn't been inside the store 5 minutes
When you said you needed a toy - what?

Then you come around again and say -
Momma, I'm sorry and I swear I will behave.
Trust me, remember how that lasted for an aisle?
I say - we don't need it, we argue, you cry, I love you.
 
Oooh we need something for dinner tonight
But Oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you
We are never ever ever going grocery shopping together
We are never ever ever going grocery shopping together
You go talk to the baker
Talk to the deli-guy
Talk to me
But we are never ever ever going grocery shopping together

Like ever...

I'm really gonna miss your whining fits
And me, falling for them screaming them I'm right
And you, will hide away behind a Cheez-it display,
eyeing some mom that's much cooler than I.

Oooh we need something for dinner tonight

But Oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you
We are never ever ever going grocery shopping together
We are never ever ever going grocery shopping together
You go talk to the manager
Talk to that angry guy
Talk to me
But we are never ever ever going grocery shopping

I used to think, that we were so much better than that

And I used to say, my kid would never....

[spoken] 

Hun, she's scaring old ladies over a pack of oeros

and she's like "Momma, you're pretty - please?"
And I'm like, I'm just, I mean this is exhausting, you know?
We are ever ever going grocery shopping together, like ever.

We are never ever ever going grocery shopping together

We are never ever ever going grocery shopping together
You go talk to your father
Talk to him...
Oh yeah, I called him
Because we are never ever ever going grocery shopping

-------

Sing it loud and proud mommas! I know I'm not the only one ;)

 

We may have been robbed, but I don't care

Right now, my house is a mess. It's possible we were robbed but I'd be hard pressed to tell the difference between an actual ransacking of the place or the simple trail of happiness my kids have left behind. I should not be sitting on my couch, under my favorite blanket, watching a crime show that will probably freak me out the rest of the day, while listening to my neighbor mow the lawn.

My kitchen is a mess.

The bathroom needs to be cleaned.

Laundry needs to be folded.

The floors could use some serious attention.

I should shower, do my hair, and my nails. I'm heading out for my husband's birthday dinner tonight. We have a sitter all lined up (thanks grandma and grandpa!) so I'll be getting a hot meal without any crayons located anywhere on, or under, the table.
But I declared that today, Momma was taking a break. A glorious 2-2 1/2 hour break during naptime. I have a sweet embroidery project I've been wanting to dig into (my eyes needed a break after 45 minutes!). I have a list of possible books to read that I wanted to look into further. New recipes I wanted to find. I missed my blanket, my creepy shows, and the mere silence of being alone with my thoughts. For the duration of one nap, I'm doing precisely what I want to.
The dishes will still be there.
The tub can be scrubbed in the morning.
Another spin in the dryer never hurt laundry.

The floors shall be swept tomorrow.

The ransacked look around us is what I'm calling "Memory Chic". My kids play hard, laugh hard, and love hard. This house and the mother sitting in it are both wearing the evidence of this proudly. So today, instead of trying to "fix" what they've created, I'm "fixing" myself and feeding my soul to great a sweet little fresh-from-nap sleepy eyed girl with the same level of happy, devoted, love that greets me every day.

Be selfish moms. Kick back, relax, and recharge. Your kids will remember the giggles, hugs, and snuggles  much more than they'll ever recall your preparations for a Better Homes and Gardens photo shoot that will probably never happen.

Housework is temporary, childhood memories are forever.

Forget the paycheck, focus on the peoplecheck.

Another day another dollar at the day job. I feel like the “norm” in my work place, and many others, in this current economic climate is to complain about work and the conditions we work for. I will not. There are definitely things I would love to improve at my workplace (most notably, I need more digits on my pay checks!) but I’ve been thinking lately about all the non-monetary things that make this job so great to me.

I work around 45 hours per week. And I commute 1 hour each way to get to this office. I have to pay for daycare for a 1 year old and some before school care for a 6 year old.  The first 16 hours of my work week cover the “expenses” of me getting here to work. I won’t begin bringing my lunches and health insurance costs into this – my husband does work so it’s not like I am completely solo here.

Nonetheless, it’s depressing when I look at it like that. Especially when I think of how long I am away from my home and how badly I long to take care of my children, house, and husband better. Just because I want to dominate the working world does not mean I don’t want to be a domestic goddess as well, after all. I also know, thanks to the number of working moms available to commiserate with in the world, that I am not alone in this.

I urge us all to stop for a moment and look around though. Times are tough. We all want more money and I promise you our companies do too. Maybe they’d share if they got it, maybe they wouldn’t; but there are very few companies that are bringing in what they feel they “should”. They’re in the same boat as us. What we need to lean on now is the “personal paycheck” and not the paper one.

On my birthday, cupcakes and a card appeared on my desk. Signed by everyone in the office and some emails from off-site accounts poured in also. I did not tell anyone it was my birthday, I do not make it a habit to “friend” co-workers on social sites (I DO need vent some!), but my company posts our birthdays every month to keep us all engaged. When my children are sick, my office set me up with a remote desk top so I can work from home to preserve personal days and vacation time. They could tell me I’m on my own, deal with it. My schedule right now is varied for allergy treatments for my son – not only does the boss let me have the time but he checks in from time to time to see how the treatments are going. My boss and co-workers know my husband’s name, my children, and some of the big things happening. They ask for updates and offer support. My son sold over $300 for his school fundraiser in this office. I did no selling, I just set the form on my desk and they passed it around. He got the prize he wanted :)

They rolled out a new recognition system that’s like Facebook. We can post “good job” notes on people’s walls. The grumbling has already started about the low pay and wanting more tangible goods but I guess I do not agree. Would a key chain make the work place better? No. But the hot cocoa, Dunkin Donuts coffee, teas, and other drinks we’re granted do. Would another 15 cents an hour really make me happier? Honestly, I probably wouldn’t even notice it. But when I worked late one night during a snow storm and the VP of Operations brushed my car off in the cold and dark so I wouldn’t have to – that definitely made me happier.

Stop focusing on what you don’t have and be thankful for what you do. A paycheck, some cupcakes, and a little appreciation for a job well done.

First grade check in

First grade is going MUCH better than kindergarten. Must be because B is just so smart and advanced ;)

Today, the teacher put on some music while the kids were doing their work. And the teacher reported to us that:

"B does a great B.B. King impression!" and urged him to bust it out.

He finally did at dinner, and he does an AMAZING B.B. King impression.

I'm not sure what it had to do with math class, but I love this teacher already.